James is in the shower right now. As I was cleaning up (the three of us rode 14 miles on our bikes tonight, so extreme hygiene tending was necessary… 3 people, 8 gallons of hot water; I don’t think we used it up among us!), I noticed that I have two different shampoos, both of which are intended to be used for people with lots of hair. One is called Strong Lengths. The other is Long Term Relationship. Which one do you think James will elect to use?

Marketing HBA items to females has gotten ridiculous, name-wise. Herbal Essences (which brought us the horrific fake orgasm commercials of the early 2000s – what woman doesn’t ask to use the shower at a filling station when her car breaks down?) has embarrassingly coy names for every one of their shampoo lines: None of Your Frizzness; Honey, I’m Strong; and Tousle Me Softly among them. Someone sits around and gets paid actual money to think of these?

I have some deodorant right now that’s called “Rainkissed Water Lily.” I have no idea whether what it smells like is what the name is or not. I have no frame of reference. That’s not nearly as silly as some of the Teen Speed Stick names, though. “Pink Crush.” Umm… So, does it smell like the Strawberry Crush drink, or is it meant to evoke a kind of innocent lovering? I don’t think I want to smell like either.

Something in my make-up bag right now that I absolutely love is this two-sided lipstick from Cover Girl. It stays on a crazy-long time. Even though some of it comes off at first, the color itself seems to stain my lips for a long time. It’s neat because it’s two colors in one, and the tube is long enough that it’s easy to find in my big purse. But you know what they call it? “Two-sided lipstick”? No. That’d be too straightforward. It’s called “Blast Flipstick.” Wh? This sounds like something that should be sold on the side of the road near July 4 and New Year’s Day!

Marketers: You’re trying too hard to be clever!

If the sweat repellent smells like lavender, you can just say so. Adding an “Ooh La La” in front of the “Lavender” doesn’t make me want to buy it more. It makes me want to punch you in the nubbies. And what *is* a “So Very Summerberry”? Does anyone know?

While we’re nagging marketers, I have one other beef.

This, I realize is totally off-topic, and is something that is likely going to make you despise me and doubt my possession of a soul, but here it is: Using babies to sell stuff? For me, this has the opposite effect.

This? I am motivated to dip myself in the plague just to avoid this and all other babies’ kissing me. I don’t think babies in general are precious, nor do I aspire for them to approve of me in any way.

Is that supposed to make me want to get insurance? It makes me want to write a big old memo to myself to kick my kid out the second she turns 18. In case the caption is too small, it says, “At 18, your angry daughter won’t look this cute.” Um. What? Who is doing the judging here?

Yuck. Anyway, you get it. It doesn’t help on that last one that that kid’s outfit likely cost more than a Kia would. Babies. Pppsh.

 

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